peace

It seems nothing I do at the moment makes me feel better. I want to feel better. I'm trying to feel better. Yet, I'm sitting here with this gross, empty, icky feeling that won't go away.

southcenter

There is no J Crew at Southcenter Mall. I find this rather annoying and very weird...

overwhelmed

I've never blogged 3 times in one day...it's a sign of boredom.

I'm feeling overwhelmed in life right now. And as usual, it's the little things that are getting to me.

Yesterday, my uncle informed us that he will be taking a job in either Phoenix or New Jersey. My aunt said that she is not moving but he said that he is...which everyone assumes means they are moving. Yesterday was probably the last Thanksgiving we will have with them for a long time. We will find out this coming up week where they are moving to.

We've always been a close extended family. I usually see both sides at least once a month for dinner or just to say hi. I'll miss the three of them when they move dearly. Life won't be the same without them here. I'll mostly be sad for my mom. Her and Janet are pretty close and I know my mom will take it pretty hard.

Today, I went to visit my Aunt Peggy (dad's sister). As stated in my previous post she has decided to cook a Turducken for Christmas dinner. I know that in reality it's not a big deal and that what should matter is we are together, as a family, happy and healthy. But it is a big deal to me. I can't help but be upset about it.

Last Christmas, everyone knew it would be my Grandma's last. After I opened up presents in the morning I went over to her house and stayed all day, helping her cook Christmas dinner. It meant a lot to me.

Christmas dinner has always been something that I've looked forward to since I was little. It's my favorite meal of the entire year! My Grandma would always make this Jello dessert that is a favorite of mine and strategically place it in front of me at the dinner table. I already knew this Christmas was going to be different and while different doesn't mean bad...different means my heart hurts.

And now, I "get" to eat Turducken...not a normal turkey...not a normal Christmas and just another reminder of what has become the past in my life.

These past few weeks I've been trying so hard to put so many things in my past and accept life as it is now. I'm trying toaccept the past for what it was and for the happiness it gave me. I'm trying and I'm failing. Yet, I suppose what matters is that I keep trying.

I found myself wanting 2009. I guess part of me thinks that with the end of this year will come the end of my pain and family problems. I know it won't. But there is something hopeful in the idea of a new year.

I honestly realize that my life isn't nearly as bad as others. But some days knowing that doesn't ease the pain. It's still pain, it's still real, and it still hurts...a lot.

Turkey

Christmas dinner this year is going to be at my aunt's house. She informed me tonight that instead of making a turkey for dinner she is making a Turducken (a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey)!!!!!! Gross!

I've never even heard of someone actually eating a Turducken...

coffee

Forza messed up my order. This is the first day in probably well over a year I've drank hot coffee. It was weird. I actually was kind of afraid of drinking it...

email

I'm annoyed SPU won't let me check my email. Both Outlook and Webmail are not working and I can't even get on the SPU website.

All I want is to check my email...that's all...

strong and independent

For the past few days I've been thinking about what it means to be a strong, independent woman. It's something that I feel woman are told to be nowadays. I don't want to depend on other people to have to take care of me or think that I am pathetic and weak. Thus, I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out what this means for myself and my life.

So how do I be strong and independent while at same time feeling the way I do right now?

I'm not sure. I'd like to think that I am doing it, but I have a feeling that I am falling short.

Nonetheless, I'll try again tomorrow.

starting over

" I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back."

I'm just not sure.

I enjoy quotes, lyrics, sayings...anything that I can find meaning in...anything that makes me feel not so alone in what I'm feeling.

"And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to".

A good friend sent me this quote. Perhaps when I feeling the rest of the quote I will post it.

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door..."

first reaction: annoyed

From the start of this election months ago, one thing was clear...the Democrats were going to make history - either the first African American or the first woman was going to be the nominee (what a great moment in history!) And now, with Palin apart of the election...

I loved the statement that Michelle Obama made during her speech at the DNC. She said that because of woman like Hillary Clinton 18 million cracks were now put in that glass ceiling. Gender and race is something that has been talked about from the beginning. It's something that every person has been aware of and something that McCain stated he didn't want to be a determining factor in this election. And to date, he hasn't brought up the race card.

However last night watching Hardball, Chris Matthews was talking with a woman who stated that some of the aides of the McCain camp feel they should get recognition and acknowledgement because they haven't brought up the race card!!

What?!? You're telling me that because you haven't thrown out the race card you think you deserve to hear "good job, you're such a good person"?

NO!!!!!

I'd like to know what the statements would look like if you played the "race card". Are you simply going to point out that he is black? Because if so, then that would indicate that by simply being black it means he is different than McCain who is white....simply by the color of his skin he different.

Hundreds of more thoughts went through my head.

Even while I am typing this I am still greatly annoyed. But the more I think with my head, logically, I am more saddened by their beliefs and statements than angered. It's not that I even think they are bad people. But it's beliefs like that, that will get us nowhere. They do nothing in actually solving the race problem that still plagues our country.

I'd like to say that if people would simply stop thinking and believing things like that than the race problem would go away, but as I have learned, it won't. However, that's a whole other blog.

Let me just end with this...

...Why did it take a HALF black man to run for President until we actually brought up race?