Well I'm officially done working for PTS. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm excited to leave the chaos and to move on to something different. I'm not excited to leave my coworkers that have become friends or to leave the passion.
About one month ago, I made the decision to not get close to the new group of girls. I didn't want to. It would make leaving that much harder. I guess you could say God had different plans. I had never felt closer to or enjoyed another group of girls as much as these. Shoot.
The day I put my notice in that I was leaving I told them. I didn't want them to hear it from someone else - I owed them more than that. Since that point, I heard every day how I would be missed or how they would leave when I left. It was funny and touching. I knew on the 18th a little part of my heart would be left there, with those 6 girls. However, plans changed again.
On the 16th, 7 girls were discharged. It was one of the most heart-wrenching nights of my life there. I can't explain it - the stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, disappointment, grief and hopefulness of that night. It wasn't at all how I wanted to end my time at PTS but nonetheless it happened that way.
I cried as I said my goodbyes to the girls and when they wished good luck at my new job. I cried when Jenell handed me a beanie she made and said to keep this so I won't forget her. I cried when they gave me pictures of themselves. I cried when Stacia gave me a bracelet she made. I cried when they asked me to please not forget them. And I cried when I heard them say "you really do care about us", knowing the lives they were about to return to.
It breaks my heart because they thought I was leaving because I couldn't handle them anymore and that night was just another reason why I wanted to leave. But it wasn't my reasoning at all.
When Stacia left in the morning, I have never seen so much pain and disappointment in someone's eyes. I don't think I'll ever forget that look or the feeling I felt for that minute.
And now the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach after all of this...well, it's familar but it doesn't come around too often. It's that feeling when I know my heart will never be the same. It's that feeling when you know something is wrong and there is nothing you can do to change it; to make the situation better at the moment. Something changed. That night changed me.
"Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it
Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear
Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream
Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe
Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
I'll see you there "
(alissa moreno)
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thanks
Elizabeth's blog inspired me to write the things I am thankful for.
1. My parents
2. My family
3. My friends
4. My cats
5. My Blackberry
6. Sociology and all that it has taught me
7. My cousin finally going to rehab - even though he hates it
8. Going to Dublin
9. My down comforter
10. My car
11. Socks
12. Pillows
13. My grandparents' love
14. All the cards, letters and gifts I got from the girls at my work :) Looking at them remind me that there is more to life.
15. Learning and those that teach me
16. My last day at DCFS
17. My time at DCFS
18. My time at NWAE
19. New friends
20. Quotes and lyrics
21. My supportive coworkers/friends at PTS
22. Watching NCIS with my parents
23. Book stores
24. The night my friends made a haunted house :)
25. The Wallingford House
26. Seattle Tempura Roll and Chocolate milk in a fancy glass :)
27. The U-Village during the fall
28. The day when Andrea and I ate our way through the U-Village
29. Long talks with Ann
30. Hugs from Kristi
31. Pictures
32. Skype
33. The Wii
34. Reconnecting with old friends
35. Politics & the news
36. Christmas Tree farms
37. Forza!
38. Lessons old friends taught me
39. Lessons new friends have taught me.
40. Having a job
41. The possibility and thought of grad schoool
42. Memories from the past
43. Intimate Dinners
44. Gig Harbor and Port Orchard waterfronts
45. Crying
46. Red Mango
47. Smiles
48. Games
49. Things that smell good
50. Straws
51. Friends advice and words of wisdom when they didn't mean to
52. Songs that express the way I feel when I can't find the words to
53. Hope for my future
54. Books
55. Kleenex
56. Allergy medicine :)
57. My favorite TV shows that are comfort on bad days
58. People making it hard for me to leave my job
....I'll be back with more sometime soon.
1. My parents
2. My family
3. My friends
4. My cats
5. My Blackberry
6. Sociology and all that it has taught me
7. My cousin finally going to rehab - even though he hates it
8. Going to Dublin
9. My down comforter
10. My car
11. Socks
12. Pillows
13. My grandparents' love
14. All the cards, letters and gifts I got from the girls at my work :) Looking at them remind me that there is more to life.
15. Learning and those that teach me
16. My last day at DCFS
17. My time at DCFS
18. My time at NWAE
19. New friends
20. Quotes and lyrics
21. My supportive coworkers/friends at PTS
22. Watching NCIS with my parents
23. Book stores
24. The night my friends made a haunted house :)
25. The Wallingford House
26. Seattle Tempura Roll and Chocolate milk in a fancy glass :)
27. The U-Village during the fall
28. The day when Andrea and I ate our way through the U-Village
29. Long talks with Ann
30. Hugs from Kristi
31. Pictures
32. Skype
33. The Wii
34. Reconnecting with old friends
35. Politics & the news
36. Christmas Tree farms
37. Forza!
38. Lessons old friends taught me
39. Lessons new friends have taught me.
40. Having a job
41. The possibility and thought of grad schoool
42. Memories from the past
43. Intimate Dinners
44. Gig Harbor and Port Orchard waterfronts
45. Crying
46. Red Mango
47. Smiles
48. Games
49. Things that smell good
50. Straws
51. Friends advice and words of wisdom when they didn't mean to
52. Songs that express the way I feel when I can't find the words to
53. Hope for my future
54. Books
55. Kleenex
56. Allergy medicine :)
57. My favorite TV shows that are comfort on bad days
58. People making it hard for me to leave my job
....I'll be back with more sometime soon.
relief is in sight
It's a Sunday night and I'm going through the steps to get ready for work tomorrow morning. And for the first time in a long time, I'm not dreading walking through those doors in the AM. Thank God! The light at the end of the tunnel is actually visible!
This quote came to my mind tonight (even though I wasn't a big fan of the movie itself)
"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less..." - Connor Mead
Last year was a hard year for me. I experienced a couple really big, life altering moments in life, moments that will never leave me. And since that point I can honestly say it's hard for me to find that person I was before those moments - I've put up walls around my heart. I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I can tell. Even the new friends I've made over the past months haven't quite been able to break through. And even though I talk to them and we hang out, I still keep them at arms length from getting to my heart. As sad as it is, they could come and go and I wouldn't lose sleep over it.
My point is, I don't want to live like that but I'm afraid of being hurt again. I remember I did this when my grandpa died and I don't remember how I got past it. I sure wish I did though. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so sensitive.
This quote came to my mind tonight (even though I wasn't a big fan of the movie itself)
"Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less..." - Connor Mead
Last year was a hard year for me. I experienced a couple really big, life altering moments in life, moments that will never leave me. And since that point I can honestly say it's hard for me to find that person I was before those moments - I've put up walls around my heart. I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I can tell. Even the new friends I've made over the past months haven't quite been able to break through. And even though I talk to them and we hang out, I still keep them at arms length from getting to my heart. As sad as it is, they could come and go and I wouldn't lose sleep over it.
My point is, I don't want to live like that but I'm afraid of being hurt again. I remember I did this when my grandpa died and I don't remember how I got past it. I sure wish I did though. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so sensitive.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
weird
Sometimes I look back at old photos of myself and I have a hard time believing that person is me. I don't really know why. I guess the best way to describe it is an out-of-body-experience.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Every fall and winter I'm always disappointed with myself. This is my favorite time of year and I always set my expectations extremely high. And every time I'm disappointed with myself I always tell myself next year will be different. Next year, I'll sit on the couch in a warm apartment/house sipping peppermint hot cocoa with friends. Next year, I'll cozy up with a blanket and read a good book. Next year...
I don't like it. And I don't like how I say "next year" every year. But I can't seem to get out of my rut of saying it or being a little sad every year. It's like something is missing. Not sure what. Probably just how things used to be when I was little.
It's horrible that I'm already dreading that dumb turducken...ugh.
I need to learn to be happy.
I don't like it. And I don't like how I say "next year" every year. But I can't seem to get out of my rut of saying it or being a little sad every year. It's like something is missing. Not sure what. Probably just how things used to be when I was little.
It's horrible that I'm already dreading that dumb turducken...ugh.
I need to learn to be happy.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Happiness?
Most of the time when I go to write a blog I end up deleting most of the entry because I think it sounds stupid or weird. Tonight, I'm going to try hard not to erase anything.
Tonight, I was reading through an old journal of mine and I found a common issue amongst the majority of my entries. I kept stating that I wasn't happy with life. There are certainly moments and days of my life when I remember being unhappy during that time frame. However, the majority of the time is mostly a blur to me now. It's strange because I mostly remember not feeling "alive" - like I had no purpose to live for (then I got my job with DCFS and all those feelings changed).
So tonight, I'm left wondering why I wasn't happy during that time. There are way too many days to count when I think to myself, "I made it through". I don't want to live like that, but at the same time, I'm not sure I would know what happiness is if it hit me on the head right now. Sure, there are moments when I am laughing and genuinely happy, but I'm not sure if I say I am a happy person overall right now. Or maybe what I'm trying to say is if someone asked me to describe myself I don't think happy would be one of the words I would say. Yes, I think that's more it.
Back to DCFS. I loved my time there and it changed my life. And at the time, I thought working there secured my belief that I want to do social work. And to be honest, even since then my internship and current job make me feel that way at times. So I'm left with this question I can't answer yet...why can't apply for the MSW program? Every time I go to apply or think about it I'm left with this weird, empty, uncertain feeling and I don't think it's supposed to be like that. I don't think it's because I'm just not ready to go back to school. I did go back to school. It's just this program. It feels so final. I guess I can't really explain the feeling I have, but I've come to revelation that I need to pay attention to the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. There is a reason I feel this way and a reason why I have never been able to send in the application.
So for now, no MSW or MPA program. I'm actually going to sit in on an MFT class one of my friends is in. Who knows...maybe that'll be what I'm searching for?!?
It's October and life is not at all what I thought it would be one year ago. Part of why I started my CDP was because life wasn't how I planned - which meant I could start making my own plans that were different than anything else I had planned. I think I liked that feeling. It was different and something I hadn't felt in a long time -but it was scary. I suddenly felt like the pages of my life that I thought were written already (get married, have a family, get a wonderful job) were suddenly blank and I had to figure out what to write on them all over again.
I'm not going to lie, it's been hard, but I've also met some amazing people along the way and am able to do some amazing things now because of this new found blank-ness.
Tonight, I was reading through an old journal of mine and I found a common issue amongst the majority of my entries. I kept stating that I wasn't happy with life. There are certainly moments and days of my life when I remember being unhappy during that time frame. However, the majority of the time is mostly a blur to me now. It's strange because I mostly remember not feeling "alive" - like I had no purpose to live for (then I got my job with DCFS and all those feelings changed).
So tonight, I'm left wondering why I wasn't happy during that time. There are way too many days to count when I think to myself, "I made it through". I don't want to live like that, but at the same time, I'm not sure I would know what happiness is if it hit me on the head right now. Sure, there are moments when I am laughing and genuinely happy, but I'm not sure if I say I am a happy person overall right now. Or maybe what I'm trying to say is if someone asked me to describe myself I don't think happy would be one of the words I would say. Yes, I think that's more it.
Back to DCFS. I loved my time there and it changed my life. And at the time, I thought working there secured my belief that I want to do social work. And to be honest, even since then my internship and current job make me feel that way at times. So I'm left with this question I can't answer yet...why can't apply for the MSW program? Every time I go to apply or think about it I'm left with this weird, empty, uncertain feeling and I don't think it's supposed to be like that. I don't think it's because I'm just not ready to go back to school. I did go back to school. It's just this program. It feels so final. I guess I can't really explain the feeling I have, but I've come to revelation that I need to pay attention to the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. There is a reason I feel this way and a reason why I have never been able to send in the application.
So for now, no MSW or MPA program. I'm actually going to sit in on an MFT class one of my friends is in. Who knows...maybe that'll be what I'm searching for?!?
It's October and life is not at all what I thought it would be one year ago. Part of why I started my CDP was because life wasn't how I planned - which meant I could start making my own plans that were different than anything else I had planned. I think I liked that feeling. It was different and something I hadn't felt in a long time -but it was scary. I suddenly felt like the pages of my life that I thought were written already (get married, have a family, get a wonderful job) were suddenly blank and I had to figure out what to write on them all over again.
I'm not going to lie, it's been hard, but I've also met some amazing people along the way and am able to do some amazing things now because of this new found blank-ness.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
blah
I'm feeling funny right now.
I need to be reminded why I get up every day to just deal with their drama and complaints (a large part is the current patients).
I need the passion back. So I'm going to re-read the letters, cards and homemade gifts I was given by former patients in hopes of making it a little easier to get up tomorrow morning.
I need to be reminded why I get up every day to just deal with their drama and complaints (a large part is the current patients).
I need the passion back. So I'm going to re-read the letters, cards and homemade gifts I was given by former patients in hopes of making it a little easier to get up tomorrow morning.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I've been feeling the need to blog lately but the words escape me. So I guess for now I'll settle with a song...
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side
I guess it's gonna break me down
Like falling when you try to fly
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon
Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me
Getting there means leaving things behind
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
I guess it's gonna have to hurt
I guess I'm gonna have to cry
And let go of some things I've loved
To get to the other side
I guess it's gonna break me down
Like falling when you try to fly
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye.
Time, time heals
The wounds that you feel
Somehow, right now.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Mary Jane
I don't know if it's merely because I'm burnt out and tired or because I'm annoyed with societal acceptions on things...most likely a mixture of both.
This whole going to school and working full time is not working for me. I'm doing just fine at both but I'm in a constant state of feeling like I'm having to play catch up - I hate that feeling. I don't do well with it.
It hasn't been just since I've started working (I've heard this before). I'm tired of hearing "it's just pot". I think I've heard that more times in the past few months than I have my entire life!
It's obviously not "just pot" because you're in freaking rehab!
Perhaps it's just me, but giving up 60 days of my freedom and life to live in a brick building...well, pot is just not worth it!
It's not just the people in my rehab that I hear this from. I hear it from my aunt who wouldn't even let her kids say the word "butt" in the house. To her, somehow pot has lost it's scariness and it's become "just pot". I couldn't believe when I heard her say it! I literally just sat there in awe.
It's still a drug. It's still illegal. It's still altering your state of consciousness. You still will get withdrawal effects from using it! You can still get addicted to it! People abuse it. And it effects people's lives in a damaging way. Ergo...it's not just pot and I'm tired of hearing people say that.
This whole going to school and working full time is not working for me. I'm doing just fine at both but I'm in a constant state of feeling like I'm having to play catch up - I hate that feeling. I don't do well with it.
It hasn't been just since I've started working (I've heard this before). I'm tired of hearing "it's just pot". I think I've heard that more times in the past few months than I have my entire life!
It's obviously not "just pot" because you're in freaking rehab!
Perhaps it's just me, but giving up 60 days of my freedom and life to live in a brick building...well, pot is just not worth it!
It's not just the people in my rehab that I hear this from. I hear it from my aunt who wouldn't even let her kids say the word "butt" in the house. To her, somehow pot has lost it's scariness and it's become "just pot". I couldn't believe when I heard her say it! I literally just sat there in awe.
It's still a drug. It's still illegal. It's still altering your state of consciousness. You still will get withdrawal effects from using it! You can still get addicted to it! People abuse it. And it effects people's lives in a damaging way. Ergo...it's not just pot and I'm tired of hearing people say that.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Here's to Hindsight
I'm reading the book Here's to Hindsight. It's an autobiography from Tara Leigh Cobble.
I'm only about a quarter of the way through the book but I enjoy it a lot so far. There's this part in the book when she's talking to her friend...
"That's when Jane said it - the phrase that has become part of my daily vocabulary, that has helped remind me that God is trustworthy even when I don't get Him at all - and she said it better than I ever could have despite the fact that I am the songwriter and she is in the business world.
Well, then....here's to hindsight".
I'm only about a quarter of the way through the book but I enjoy it a lot so far. There's this part in the book when she's talking to her friend...
"That's when Jane said it - the phrase that has become part of my daily vocabulary, that has helped remind me that God is trustworthy even when I don't get Him at all - and she said it better than I ever could have despite the fact that I am the songwriter and she is in the business world.
Well, then....here's to hindsight".
Friday, April 17, 2009
mama said they'll be days like this...
I hate when you have one of those day that you know your going to remember forever but not because it was a good one...just the opposite. They suck. They leave you with this gross feeling inside that words can't describe.
And so you hope the decisions that were made were right.
...but only time will tell.
And so you hope the decisions that were made were right.
...but only time will tell.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
CDP
Tonight I shredded my grad school application and I cleaned my room.
Why?
...because I am starting school on Wednesday for my Chemical Dependency Certification!!
Why?
...because I am starting school on Wednesday for my Chemical Dependency Certification!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
I'm going back to school!! Eek!
Tonight at the Y, I realized that if I let this opportunity pass me by I'll regret it...so I'm going back!
So here comes the late night studying, BSed papers, and way too much money spent on coffee during finals week.
I honestly think this can be one of the best things for me.
I can't tell you how excited I am :)
So here comes the late night studying, BSed papers, and way too much money spent on coffee during finals week.
I honestly think this can be one of the best things for me.
I can't tell you how excited I am :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Blessed
Hey Jamie,
Well wow where do I start you are such a cool person and you are really sweet too. I've learned so much from you. I really hope it's not the last time I see you. I'm sorry I picked on you a lot, I was just messing with you - nothing personal. I had fun playing jokes on you though. I hope you become even more successful in life than what you already are. You made laugh so much. Like I said, I wish I could put you in a box and pull you out when I felt that I really needed you. You better write back when I write to you. Well you don't have to but you should. Thank you for always being their for me when I needed you. That means a lot to me. You have a really kind heart don't let people take advantage of that. Sometimes you have to be hard on people. And if you ever do decide to be a counselor you're going to make a good one. Good luck.
Your Friend,
********
And thank you for tucking me in bed, lol!
"Life isn't measured by number of breaths you take but rather by the moments that take your breath away."
Well wow where do I start you are such a cool person and you are really sweet too. I've learned so much from you. I really hope it's not the last time I see you. I'm sorry I picked on you a lot, I was just messing with you - nothing personal. I had fun playing jokes on you though. I hope you become even more successful in life than what you already are. You made laugh so much. Like I said, I wish I could put you in a box and pull you out when I felt that I really needed you. You better write back when I write to you. Well you don't have to but you should. Thank you for always being their for me when I needed you. That means a lot to me. You have a really kind heart don't let people take advantage of that. Sometimes you have to be hard on people. And if you ever do decide to be a counselor you're going to make a good one. Good luck.
Your Friend,
********
And thank you for tucking me in bed, lol!
"Life isn't measured by number of breaths you take but rather by the moments that take your breath away."
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Alive
For the first time, in a long time, I feel alive again. The weight of the past few months is slowly leaving and I'm starting to find new meaning in life again. I'm meeting new people that have given hope and inspiration both personally and professionally to me.
June 2008 was the last time I've done anything related to social work. It's silly, but sometimes I forget what this feeling feels like - of knowing right where I'm at, at this moment, is where I'm supposed to be. It's not so much that when I'm not doing social work I feel less alive. It's that when I'm doing it this whole other side of heart is awakened again and that part of me that has been lying dormant is finally opened back up.
On March 12th, one of the girls from my work graduates from rehab. She asked me if I would come. I feel honored. She wants me to be there to meet her family. The other night we stayed up talking about what led her to rehab and her hopes and her fears when she leaves. She told me she believes our paths will cross again, somewhere down the road...I hope they do, and if so, I hope her life is everything she dreams it will be. If anyone can change, it's her. She's one of those people that simply make your life better by knowing them.
June 2008 was the last time I've done anything related to social work. It's silly, but sometimes I forget what this feeling feels like - of knowing right where I'm at, at this moment, is where I'm supposed to be. It's not so much that when I'm not doing social work I feel less alive. It's that when I'm doing it this whole other side of heart is awakened again and that part of me that has been lying dormant is finally opened back up.
On March 12th, one of the girls from my work graduates from rehab. She asked me if I would come. I feel honored. She wants me to be there to meet her family. The other night we stayed up talking about what led her to rehab and her hopes and her fears when she leaves. She told me she believes our paths will cross again, somewhere down the road...I hope they do, and if so, I hope her life is everything she dreams it will be. If anyone can change, it's her. She's one of those people that simply make your life better by knowing them.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
update
I feel like giving an update about my recent annoyances because for some I have found answers. And I say "feel" because I'm an ESFJ. :)
- I greatly enjoying sitting at Forza. However, their internet does not like me and always seems to kick me off in the middle of things. Forza fixed their internet so it works now, yay!
- About 6 weeks ago one of my aunt's gave me a new show to start watching - Dexter. I think I might like if I wasn't so scared of everything. I got over my fear and am on season 2! It's a good show...I enjoy it a lot.
- Not being able to figure out where The Big Bang Theory is taped at so I can meet Jim Parsons. It's taped in Burbank, CA but the tapings are not happening while I am in the area...shoot!
- I've started clenching my teeth really hard to the point of giving myself a jaw-ache and heachache. Still happening...
- I'm having sharp stabbing pains in my head every few days now. This kind of worries me but not enough to go to the doctor about them yet. Seriously though, it feels like a knife... Instead of sharp stabbing pains, my lymphnodes are swollen in my head again - from behind my ear down my neck. Stupid lymphnodes...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Batwoman
FYI...
Apparently, Batman was killed off the DC Comics last year (?). Now, Batwoman is replacing him. She is a lesbian socialite by night and later in the night...BATWOMAN.
Apparently, Batman was killed off the DC Comics last year (?). Now, Batwoman is replacing him. She is a lesbian socialite by night and later in the night...BATWOMAN.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
irks
Recent annoyances of mine:
- I greatly enjoying sitting at Forza. However, their internet does not like me and always seems to kick me off in the middle of things.
- I got a hole in my white hoodie.
- Sometimes when I go to Seattle it snows.
- Snow in general is annoying this year
- I'm having problems typing lately
- About 6 weeks ago one of my aunt's gave me a new show to start watching - Dexter. I think I might like if I wasn't so scared of everything.
- Not being able to figure out where The Big Bang Theory is taped at so I can meet Jim Parsons.
- I've started clenching my teeth really hard to the point of giving myself a jaw-ache and heachache.
- I'm having sharp stabbing pains in my head every few days now. This kind of worries me but not enough to go to the doctor about them yet. Seriously though, it feels like a knife...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
a new love
I have a new love.
THE BIG BANG THEORY!
It's an amazing show. Everyone should watch it. I just bought season 1.
Currently, Sheldon has locked himself in his room because he got fired. But I think he's about to get his job back...
THE BIG BANG THEORY!
It's an amazing show. Everyone should watch it. I just bought season 1.
Currently, Sheldon has locked himself in his room because he got fired. But I think he's about to get his job back...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Oh Puyallup
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_012709WAB-puyallup-panhandling-KC.e3cd4f9.html
http://www.kirotv.com/news/18579179/detail.html
Oh Puyallup. What is happening lately?
Apparently, Puyallup has a panhandling problem that our city counsel has acted quickly to stop and tell "these" people they need to move on out of our city.
I guess living in Seattle for the past 4 years changed my feelings and calmed some of my fears regarding panhandlers and/or the homeless. It was something that I became used to seeing and something that wasn't ignored, especially on a campus like SPU. I am thankful for that. I guess this whole situation leaves me with one question. I completely understand the desire and demand to feel safe in the community you live...particularly when you are the upper-middle class families that can afford to move to a place like Puyallup - you expect to leave the roughness AND harsh reality of other people's lives; you expect to feel safe going out at night; and expect not to be approached by a panhandler. I get it and when/if I ever have a family I have no doubt I will want that for them as well.
I guess it just bothers me to hear how fast the city council members acted with only 4 complaints. I just have a hard time thinking that our city council is that efficient when it comes to everything else. I was talking with Elizabeth one day (a long time ago) and there is something about going back to Puyallup, or any suburb, that allows you to forget about the homeless and other situations a big city has to deal with. It just bothers me that Puyallup's answer to this "problem" is 1. to push them out of our city because we don't want to deal with them because it would force us to give up part of our comfort and face a harsh reality that they actually do exist and 2. it doesn't help to solve the problem of them panhandling.
AND! The purse snatchers have struck again - last night. Hopefully, these crazy bandits are caught soon. The two people outside of Macys both had Coach purses. I'm keeping mine safely tucked away until further notice :)
http://www.kirotv.com/news/18579179/detail.html
Oh Puyallup. What is happening lately?
Apparently, Puyallup has a panhandling problem that our city counsel has acted quickly to stop and tell "these" people they need to move on out of our city.
I guess living in Seattle for the past 4 years changed my feelings and calmed some of my fears regarding panhandlers and/or the homeless. It was something that I became used to seeing and something that wasn't ignored, especially on a campus like SPU. I am thankful for that. I guess this whole situation leaves me with one question. I completely understand the desire and demand to feel safe in the community you live...particularly when you are the upper-middle class families that can afford to move to a place like Puyallup - you expect to leave the roughness AND harsh reality of other people's lives; you expect to feel safe going out at night; and expect not to be approached by a panhandler. I get it and when/if I ever have a family I have no doubt I will want that for them as well.
I guess it just bothers me to hear how fast the city council members acted with only 4 complaints. I just have a hard time thinking that our city council is that efficient when it comes to everything else. I was talking with Elizabeth one day (a long time ago) and there is something about going back to Puyallup, or any suburb, that allows you to forget about the homeless and other situations a big city has to deal with. It just bothers me that Puyallup's answer to this "problem" is 1. to push them out of our city because we don't want to deal with them because it would force us to give up part of our comfort and face a harsh reality that they actually do exist and 2. it doesn't help to solve the problem of them panhandling.
AND! The purse snatchers have struck again - last night. Hopefully, these crazy bandits are caught soon. The two people outside of Macys both had Coach purses. I'm keeping mine safely tucked away until further notice :)
Monday, January 26, 2009
the end and a beginning
As a friend just kindly pointed out, tonight is my last night as 22. To be honest, I'll be glad. 22 will not be the best year of my life.
I'm looking forward to what 23 has in store in for me. So far, it's looking up. I'm planning on traveling a lot more this year: San Francisco, Los Angeles, and maybe Russia and/or Europe (but perhaps I'll save those for 24...well just Russia I guess). One of my best friends is getting married this year. And I've decided to postpone grad school. I feel confident in this decision. I need some time to feel like an adult, and I don't think I can find that in school right now.
So, in less than 7 hours I will be 23. It is welcomed with slight sadness, great anticipation but most definitely open arms.
In other news: I love bread...especially bread from Great Harvest Bread Co that recently established themselves in Puyallup. Yum. I think my addiction to their cinnamon chip bread is almost as bad at my coffee addiction. Except I think coffee addictions are more socially acceptable than bread addictions.
Tomorrow morning I am starting my first day of being 23 with cinnamon chip bread and a raspberry latte...yum!
I'm looking forward to what 23 has in store in for me. So far, it's looking up. I'm planning on traveling a lot more this year: San Francisco, Los Angeles, and maybe Russia and/or Europe (but perhaps I'll save those for 24...well just Russia I guess). One of my best friends is getting married this year. And I've decided to postpone grad school. I feel confident in this decision. I need some time to feel like an adult, and I don't think I can find that in school right now.
So, in less than 7 hours I will be 23. It is welcomed with slight sadness, great anticipation but most definitely open arms.
In other news: I love bread...especially bread from Great Harvest Bread Co that recently established themselves in Puyallup. Yum. I think my addiction to their cinnamon chip bread is almost as bad at my coffee addiction. Except I think coffee addictions are more socially acceptable than bread addictions.
Tomorrow morning I am starting my first day of being 23 with cinnamon chip bread and a raspberry latte...yum!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thoughts as of late
Lately, I’ve had many thoughts on many different topics…and of course I haven’t kept up on my blogging so now I choose to blog about most or all of them (we’ll see how I feel as I continue on).
On Tuesday we got a new President! I’m waiting in hopeful anticipation at what these next four years will reveal. On a side note: Michelle Obama majored in sociology…I knew I liked her.
Here’s my political rant:
On Tuesday we got a new President! I’m waiting in hopeful anticipation at what these next four years will reveal. On a side note: Michelle Obama majored in sociology…I knew I liked her.
Here’s my political rant:
- Today, I was looking on CNN.com and I see a thing that says Limbaugh wants Obama to fail. What an idiot. You can’t have the President fail and at the same have policy changed/fixed that will better the country.
- For some reason, I had the urge to watch Fox News on inauguration night – I guess I was curious to see what they were saying. Well…some political person on Fox stated that one of Obama’s first executive orders would be to expand funding of abortion in other countries. And that we have too liberal of President. Well actually, the first executive orders given out by Obama were to close Guantanamo Bay and ban torture.
Here’s my personal thoughts:
- I’m not quite sure when it happened but it did…someone called me a yuppie and preppy. For the last 4 years, I’ve tried hard not to be. I’m not sure why. I guess because whenever someone said it to me it wasn’t in positive connotation…always meaning something I really didn’t want to be. Even during high school I didn’t necessarily want to be labeled as that but I never tried to avoid it either. Recently, I walked into a women’s transitional housing. I felt completely out of place. I actually felt like a fraud. In recent memory, I can’t remember feeling like that. I’ve felt a lot of different emotions walking into situations like that, but never a fraud.
- My last post about DSHS allowed me to finally release everything I had been feeling for so long. I haven’t felt this free in a long time! It was the first time I’ve ever been able to say enough to feel like I’ve said everything. I never realized how much weight I was carrying around with me every day – all the pain of nine months finally released in one afternoon of blogging at Forza. Thank You Jesus!
- There is this older couple sitting on the couch by me at Forza. I can’t help but think of my grandparents. I miss them. But I am thankful for moments like this when I see love and all I can think about is my grandparents.
- I saw Revolutionary Road last night. While I probably wouldn’t watch it for fun or again, I thought it was a good movie. I remember this one line in the movie by Kate Winslet when she asked who made up these rules (or something like that). ahh! I love my soc degree so much! So much!
More politics:
- I read the letter in the Wall Street Journal from Barbara and Jenna Bush to Sasha and Malia Obama. I thought it was very touching letter.
"And finally, although it's an honor and full of so many extraordinary opportunities, it isn't always easy being a member of the club you are about to join. Our dad, like yours, is a man of great integrity and love; a man who always put us first. We still see him now as we did when we were seven: as our loving daddy. Our Dad, who read to us nightly, taught us how to score tedious baseball games. He is our father, not the sketch in a paper or part of a skit on TV. Many people will think they know him, but they have no idea how he felt the day you were born, the pride he felt on your first day of school, or how much you both love being his daughters. So here is our most important piece of advice: remember who your dad really is."
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
DSHS
I'm once again sitting in Forza.
I was reading an article done by KING5.com about a CPS case out of Enumclaw. Apparently, a 3 year old girl was placed in her grandparents custody because the child's 16 year old mother was an unfit parent. The child lived with her grandparents for two years. Some point after this the court ruled that the grandparents were no longer meeting the child's best needs and the girl was placed into a foster home. Her foster mom is now hoping to adopt this girl. The grandparents are quite upset by this and don't understand why the court did this to begin with.
But it's the not the actual case that bothers me, it's people comments they left on the website about DSHS and CPS. It was everything from DSHS sells children and gets $10,000 for each child they sell or children are raped, murdered and abused when they get in the system, to DSHS needs to be shut down and every social worker be locked up and put in jail because they are the scum of the earth.
WOW! and REALLY?!?!
Not every social worker is the best and some are even stupid and horrible people. I haven't worked with that state a long time or have been exposed to a lot of social work, but I have heard of really bad things happening to kids after they have come into the system.
When I worked for the state an 11 year old boy was dropped off in the waiting room at the state office because his foster mom didn't want him anymore. She stated right in front of him she didn't care about him anymore and all she cared about was her reputation with state and hoped that dropping him off wouldn't hurt it. Like hell it won't! Nevermind, the child's social worker made an appt with the foster mom because she knew she was having problems. But did the foster mom even bother to show up? No. So the problems couldn't have been that important then. My point is, people didn't see the child's social worker all day searching for someone to take him in. They didn't see her stress and worry and try her hardest to find him a new placement. They didn't see that she didn't take a break all day and stayed late. They didn't see how she pulled money from her own wallet to make sure he had lunch. They didn't see I pulled money from my wallet to make sure he had breakfast because, surprise, his foster mom didn't even feed him in the morning. From the moment he was dropped off to the time he left, I stayed with him all day. We hung out. He quickly became one of my favorite kids. We ate pancakes together, went to McDonalds for lunch, ran errands together and played computer games the rest of time. And people surely didn't see me when I had to drop him off at his new home and drove home the whole way crying.
There are good people and there are bad people. But people are ignorant and stupid when they make assumptions that aren't accurate. I would like to ask all of those people who made comments that state workers are horrible, "do you vote for paying higher taxes? or do you vote against taxes? Because taxes are what is going to get additional social workers. It's what will make it possible to get better qualified social workers. And it's what will decrease the fact that each social worker has 20-25 kids!"
More than once I spent my own money to give these kids something extra and more than once I was handed money to make sure these kids had lunch. Social workers aren't rich and when you have 20-25 kids on your case load giving money out of your pocket adds up fast.
After I worked for the state and my internship, my emotional stabilty went way down. I saw, I met and I heard some of the worst cases imaginable. I heard about a child being molested by his social worker. I met kids who will never know their brother or sister because their parents are under investigation for murdering him/her. I met kids who were molested, held at gun point by their own father and kids who lived in a closet. I've been to houses where animal feces had once covered the walls. I've met kids who were being tested for HIV because their parents have AIDS
But in my last week of working with the state I met a woman who had once lost her kids because of meth and neglect who turned to me and said "Hannah saved my family; she helped me save my family. My kids are the greatest and I'm so thankful". I was in her house. I met her kids. And I talked with her. People can change. People do change.
At the end of my internship I was able to go to KidsFest. I met some of the kids I'd been searching for families for. I met the families I'd made contact with. And I saw happiness and hope. I'd read these kids files - I knew what they'd been through. And yet I saw smiles on their faces. I saw the joy in their eyes. And I saw the possiblity of hope for their future. It was amazing.
I was reading an article done by KING5.com about a CPS case out of Enumclaw. Apparently, a 3 year old girl was placed in her grandparents custody because the child's 16 year old mother was an unfit parent. The child lived with her grandparents for two years. Some point after this the court ruled that the grandparents were no longer meeting the child's best needs and the girl was placed into a foster home. Her foster mom is now hoping to adopt this girl. The grandparents are quite upset by this and don't understand why the court did this to begin with.
But it's the not the actual case that bothers me, it's people comments they left on the website about DSHS and CPS. It was everything from DSHS sells children and gets $10,000 for each child they sell or children are raped, murdered and abused when they get in the system, to DSHS needs to be shut down and every social worker be locked up and put in jail because they are the scum of the earth.
WOW! and REALLY?!?!
Not every social worker is the best and some are even stupid and horrible people. I haven't worked with that state a long time or have been exposed to a lot of social work, but I have heard of really bad things happening to kids after they have come into the system.
When I worked for the state an 11 year old boy was dropped off in the waiting room at the state office because his foster mom didn't want him anymore. She stated right in front of him she didn't care about him anymore and all she cared about was her reputation with state and hoped that dropping him off wouldn't hurt it. Like hell it won't! Nevermind, the child's social worker made an appt with the foster mom because she knew she was having problems. But did the foster mom even bother to show up? No. So the problems couldn't have been that important then. My point is, people didn't see the child's social worker all day searching for someone to take him in. They didn't see her stress and worry and try her hardest to find him a new placement. They didn't see that she didn't take a break all day and stayed late. They didn't see how she pulled money from her own wallet to make sure he had lunch. They didn't see I pulled money from my wallet to make sure he had breakfast because, surprise, his foster mom didn't even feed him in the morning. From the moment he was dropped off to the time he left, I stayed with him all day. We hung out. He quickly became one of my favorite kids. We ate pancakes together, went to McDonalds for lunch, ran errands together and played computer games the rest of time. And people surely didn't see me when I had to drop him off at his new home and drove home the whole way crying.
There are good people and there are bad people. But people are ignorant and stupid when they make assumptions that aren't accurate. I would like to ask all of those people who made comments that state workers are horrible, "do you vote for paying higher taxes? or do you vote against taxes? Because taxes are what is going to get additional social workers. It's what will make it possible to get better qualified social workers. And it's what will decrease the fact that each social worker has 20-25 kids!"
More than once I spent my own money to give these kids something extra and more than once I was handed money to make sure these kids had lunch. Social workers aren't rich and when you have 20-25 kids on your case load giving money out of your pocket adds up fast.
After I worked for the state and my internship, my emotional stabilty went way down. I saw, I met and I heard some of the worst cases imaginable. I heard about a child being molested by his social worker. I met kids who will never know their brother or sister because their parents are under investigation for murdering him/her. I met kids who were molested, held at gun point by their own father and kids who lived in a closet. I've been to houses where animal feces had once covered the walls. I've met kids who were being tested for HIV because their parents have AIDS
But in my last week of working with the state I met a woman who had once lost her kids because of meth and neglect who turned to me and said "Hannah saved my family; she helped me save my family. My kids are the greatest and I'm so thankful". I was in her house. I met her kids. And I talked with her. People can change. People do change.
At the end of my internship I was able to go to KidsFest. I met some of the kids I'd been searching for families for. I met the families I'd made contact with. And I saw happiness and hope. I'd read these kids files - I knew what they'd been through. And yet I saw smiles on their faces. I saw the joy in their eyes. And I saw the possiblity of hope for their future. It was amazing.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Courage is...
Take all my vicous words and turn them into something good
Take all my preconceptions and let the truth be understood
Take all my prized possessions and leave only what I need
Take all my pieces of doubt and let me be what's underneath
Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway
We all have excuses why living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings, its not how high he flies but the song he sings
Courage is when you're afraid but you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain but you keep on living anyway
keep on living anyway
keep on living anyway
It's not how many times you've been knocked down
It's how many times you get back up
Courage is when you've lost your way but you find your strength anyway
Courage is when you're afraid
Courage is when it all seems grey
Courage is when you make a change and you keep on living anyway
You keep on moving anyway
You keep on giving anyway
You keep on loving anyway
Saturday, January 3, 2009
More quotes
I bought an Obama book tonight. And I found some quotes that I really liked. I thought I would share.
That's what hope is - that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better is waiting around the bend; that insists there are better days ahead. If we're willing to work for it. If we're willing to shed our fears and our doubts. If we're willing to reach deep down inside ourselves when we're tired and come back fighting harder.
The men and women who serve in our battlefields may be Democrats and Republicans and Independents, but they have fought together and bled together and some died together under the same proud flag. They have not served a Red America or a Blue America - they served the United States of America.
The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith..."
In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world's great religions demand - that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother's keep, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister's keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well.
We are the party of Jefferson, who wrote the words that we are still trying to heed - that all of us are created equal - that all of us deserve the chance to pursue our happiness.
Yes we can. It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land. Yes we can to justice and equality. yes we can to the opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can.
Each and every time, a new generation has risen up and done what's needed to be done. Today we are called once more - and it is time for our generation to answer that call. For that is our unyielding faith - that in the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it.
That's what hope is - that thing inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better is waiting around the bend; that insists there are better days ahead. If we're willing to work for it. If we're willing to shed our fears and our doubts. If we're willing to reach deep down inside ourselves when we're tired and come back fighting harder.
The men and women who serve in our battlefields may be Democrats and Republicans and Independents, but they have fought together and bled together and some died together under the same proud flag. They have not served a Red America or a Blue America - they served the United States of America.
The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith..."
In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world's great religions demand - that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother's keep, Scripture tells us. Let us be our sister's keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well.
We are the party of Jefferson, who wrote the words that we are still trying to heed - that all of us are created equal - that all of us deserve the chance to pursue our happiness.
Yes we can. It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballot; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land. Yes we can to justice and equality. yes we can to the opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can.
Each and every time, a new generation has risen up and done what's needed to be done. Today we are called once more - and it is time for our generation to answer that call. For that is our unyielding faith - that in the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it.
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