Every fall and winter I'm always disappointed with myself. This is my favorite time of year and I always set my expectations extremely high. And every time I'm disappointed with myself I always tell myself next year will be different. Next year, I'll sit on the couch in a warm apartment/house sipping peppermint hot cocoa with friends. Next year, I'll cozy up with a blanket and read a good book. Next year...

I don't like it. And I don't like how I say "next year" every year. But I can't seem to get out of my rut of saying it or being a little sad every year. It's like something is missing. Not sure what. Probably just how things used to be when I was little.

It's horrible that I'm already dreading that dumb turducken...ugh.

I need to learn to be happy.

Happiness?

Most of the time when I go to write a blog I end up deleting most of the entry because I think it sounds stupid or weird. Tonight, I'm going to try hard not to erase anything.

Tonight, I was reading through an old journal of mine and I found a common issue amongst the majority of my entries. I kept stating that I wasn't happy with life. There are certainly moments and days of my life when I remember being unhappy during that time frame. However, the majority of the time is mostly a blur to me now. It's strange because I mostly remember not feeling "alive" - like I had no purpose to live for (then I got my job with DCFS and all those feelings changed).

So tonight, I'm left wondering why I wasn't happy during that time. There are way too many days to count when I think to myself, "I made it through". I don't want to live like that, but at the same time, I'm not sure I would know what happiness is if it hit me on the head right now. Sure, there are moments when I am laughing and genuinely happy, but I'm not sure if I say I am a happy person overall right now. Or maybe what I'm trying to say is if someone asked me to describe myself I don't think happy would be one of the words I would say. Yes, I think that's more it.

Back to DCFS. I loved my time there and it changed my life. And at the time, I thought working there secured my belief that I want to do social work. And to be honest, even since then my internship and current job make me feel that way at times. So I'm left with this question I can't answer yet...why can't apply for the MSW program? Every time I go to apply or think about it I'm left with this weird, empty, uncertain feeling and I don't think it's supposed to be like that. I don't think it's because I'm just not ready to go back to school. I did go back to school. It's just this program. It feels so final. I guess I can't really explain the feeling I have, but I've come to revelation that I need to pay attention to the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. There is a reason I feel this way and a reason why I have never been able to send in the application.

So for now, no MSW or MPA program. I'm actually going to sit in on an MFT class one of my friends is in. Who knows...maybe that'll be what I'm searching for?!?

It's October and life is not at all what I thought it would be one year ago. Part of why I started my CDP was because life wasn't how I planned - which meant I could start making my own plans that were different than anything else I had planned. I think I liked that feeling. It was different and something I hadn't felt in a long time -but it was scary. I suddenly felt like the pages of my life that I thought were written already (get married, have a family, get a wonderful job) were suddenly blank and I had to figure out what to write on them all over again.

I'm not going to lie, it's been hard, but I've also met some amazing people along the way and am able to do some amazing things now because of this new found blank-ness.