Well I'm officially done working for PTS. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm excited to leave the chaos and to move on to something different. I'm not excited to leave my coworkers that have become friends or to leave the passion.
About one month ago, I made the decision to not get close to the new group of girls. I didn't want to. It would make leaving that much harder. I guess you could say God had different plans. I had never felt closer to or enjoyed another group of girls as much as these. Shoot.
The day I put my notice in that I was leaving I told them. I didn't want them to hear it from someone else - I owed them more than that. Since that point, I heard every day how I would be missed or how they would leave when I left. It was funny and touching. I knew on the 18th a little part of my heart would be left there, with those 6 girls. However, plans changed again.
On the 16th, 7 girls were discharged. It was one of the most heart-wrenching nights of my life there. I can't explain it - the stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, disappointment, grief and hopefulness of that night. It wasn't at all how I wanted to end my time at PTS but nonetheless it happened that way.
I cried as I said my goodbyes to the girls and when they wished good luck at my new job. I cried when Jenell handed me a beanie she made and said to keep this so I won't forget her. I cried when they gave me pictures of themselves. I cried when Stacia gave me a bracelet she made. I cried when they asked me to please not forget them. And I cried when I heard them say "you really do care about us", knowing the lives they were about to return to.
It breaks my heart because they thought I was leaving because I couldn't handle them anymore and that night was just another reason why I wanted to leave. But it wasn't my reasoning at all.
When Stacia left in the morning, I have never seen so much pain and disappointment in someone's eyes. I don't think I'll ever forget that look or the feeling I felt for that minute.
And now the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach after all of this...well, it's familar but it doesn't come around too often. It's that feeling when I know my heart will never be the same. It's that feeling when you know something is wrong and there is nothing you can do to change it; to make the situation better at the moment. Something changed. That night changed me.
"Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it
Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear
Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream
Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe
Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?
Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there
I'll see you there "
(alissa moreno)
