My friend Jessica lost her dad three weeks ago tomorrow. He was 52. Retired 3 years ago. His wife and him just got back from vacationing in Scotland and Ireland. They owned property that they were going build their retirement home on in the next few years. WTF.
Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. Ugh.
Nothing in life makes us different. That could have very easily been me. I am the same as the guy down the street from. The woman in the next city and daughter on the other side of the world. Words can't describe the pain I feel for her. And selfishly, for myself when that day comes.
I feel like I have lost my way in life. I'm not the same person I was when I graduated. I thought post-college beliefs and attitudes would be about the same. I felt pretty "shaped" while in college and thought I found my way. Pssh. I feel more lost than ever. Life has officially bogged me down. I'm stuck in a job to pay the infamous bills and be able to save for my future (grad school, home, new car, etc). I know it's stupid to feel trapped. I could quit any day and I think my parents would be okay. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to quit. I can't be the one who quits just because I don't like it. And so I keep at it. And every day I feel like it changes me into a person I don't want to be. Maybe this is showing me that I need to fight harder to be who I want. It's not always going to be easy. I know there are struggles. And at times, it's harder than others. I'm in job where I need to be selfish not selfless. I went to college to get into career that forces me to give back to others on days I don't know how to empty more of myself. I miss that. I need that again.
So I guess this just means I need to start my job search like it's my second job :)
In happier news, I'm doing some traveling this year! Possibly: Boston, New Hampshire, Maine, New Jersey, New York, Vegas, Russia, Los Angeles, San Francisco. That's a lot of plane rides!! Woohoo!! I should probably look into a frequent flyer mile card.
My new recent TV obsession is Brothers and Sisters. Like usual, other people can find the words I want to say easier than I can,
"And that's what I would like to toast to…to trusting that the end is worth it and never letting go of its promise."
