for now.

Perhaps I will blog later today or tonight or sometime soon. But for now I'll share this quote...


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

-Mark Twain

another quote

“You’ll see when you’re like me...You’ll wished you fought more your whole life... You’ll miss caring that much about anything.”
-Private Practice

I love coffee

I'm sitting at Forza right, at a good table, drinking water because I already finished my coffee.

• About 30 minutes ago three girls walked in wearing PHS shirts and such. It brought me back to high school a bit. For a long time I always said that I wouldn't mind going back to high school. When those girls walked in I realized how thankful I am that high school and even my undergraduate educations are in my past. I feel like I'm slowly starting to grow up and realize my age. I need a job.
• Last night I was watching Private Practice. Every morning the doctors get together to discuss their patients for the day. They are all drinking coffee and looking like adults. I'm excited for when I move out of my parents house and get a real job and start doing things like that. I'm excited for the spring/summer time when it's sunny on my drives to work. I'm excited to be an adult. It's a pretty great feeling.
• I'm a little worried for Christmas. My cousin stated that he wanted to come home for Christmas day. If he actually does I'm not sure how pleasant Christmas will be. Tensions are running vey high with him and the choices he has made for his life.
• Love has started to fascinate me lately. There must be something really great about it if people are willing to put themselves through hell-and-back at times to find it. I think it has done the opposite for me...but only time will tell.
• A Beautiful Mistake. I heard that phrase during summer on a TV show. I like it a lot. It makes me feel somewhat better about life right now.
• My Grandparent's house has officially been sold and December 31st is the last day we own it. It's the last day I will be able to go in it. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I think I'm avoiding dealing with it right now. I think I need to in order to stay sane. This weekend we have to finish cleaning eveything out of the house. Every year on the 1st of the year we would be in that house...every year. I think my Grandma always thought it was important to be with family at the beginning of a new year. We'll still all be together (at my parent's house this year) but it'll be different...and a little sad.
• A dog just walked past me with a frisbee in its mouth and sunglasses on. That could possibly be the coolest dog I have ever seen.

hurt

I've managed to injure my ankle. Now I am limping around.

control

Until recently, I always thought I handled change okay. And perhaps I did until these last few years. Nonetheless, a few years ago I discovered that change and I do not mix very well. And while it isn’t the worst personality trait of myself, it certainly isn’t the best.

Anyways, I think that the reason I don’t like change is because it partly shows me how much I want to be in control of situations and circumstances. And come to think of it, a few years ago the crashing reality of how little I actually have control over things came full force into my life. Perhaps, that is when and why I changed.

I was talking with a friend last week about how I have been having very anxious and unsettling dreams. She suggested I take a non-contemporary way a dealing with my problem…I said I would clean my room. So I cleaned my room and that night I slept better than I had in a couple weeks. I woke up feeling more refreshed and better able to handle life.

I’ve started making my bed everyday again, putting my shoes in the appropriate spot and making sure all of my clothes are put away. I feel better about life. I feel better because even if there is no other place in life that I have control over, at least I can go to bed knowing I have control over my room. I realize it’s somewhat pathetic that I have to have control over inanimate objects…

So I allow myself this small bit of control in life because every day I’m realize more and more how little control I have over the millions of other things in my life. And perhaps, one day, I’ll be able to relinquish this too.

Side note: I have a slight fear of turning into Bree from Desperate Housewives…slight.

today...

• My aunt and uncle are moving to Phoenix
• An offer was made on my grandparents house.

I long for the day that I am no longer struggling just to get through.

peace

It seems nothing I do at the moment makes me feel better. I want to feel better. I'm trying to feel better. Yet, I'm sitting here with this gross, empty, icky feeling that won't go away.

southcenter

There is no J Crew at Southcenter Mall. I find this rather annoying and very weird...

overwhelmed

I've never blogged 3 times in one day...it's a sign of boredom.

I'm feeling overwhelmed in life right now. And as usual, it's the little things that are getting to me.

Yesterday, my uncle informed us that he will be taking a job in either Phoenix or New Jersey. My aunt said that she is not moving but he said that he is...which everyone assumes means they are moving. Yesterday was probably the last Thanksgiving we will have with them for a long time. We will find out this coming up week where they are moving to.

We've always been a close extended family. I usually see both sides at least once a month for dinner or just to say hi. I'll miss the three of them when they move dearly. Life won't be the same without them here. I'll mostly be sad for my mom. Her and Janet are pretty close and I know my mom will take it pretty hard.

Today, I went to visit my Aunt Peggy (dad's sister). As stated in my previous post she has decided to cook a Turducken for Christmas dinner. I know that in reality it's not a big deal and that what should matter is we are together, as a family, happy and healthy. But it is a big deal to me. I can't help but be upset about it.

Last Christmas, everyone knew it would be my Grandma's last. After I opened up presents in the morning I went over to her house and stayed all day, helping her cook Christmas dinner. It meant a lot to me.

Christmas dinner has always been something that I've looked forward to since I was little. It's my favorite meal of the entire year! My Grandma would always make this Jello dessert that is a favorite of mine and strategically place it in front of me at the dinner table. I already knew this Christmas was going to be different and while different doesn't mean bad...different means my heart hurts.

And now, I "get" to eat Turducken...not a normal turkey...not a normal Christmas and just another reminder of what has become the past in my life.

These past few weeks I've been trying so hard to put so many things in my past and accept life as it is now. I'm trying toaccept the past for what it was and for the happiness it gave me. I'm trying and I'm failing. Yet, I suppose what matters is that I keep trying.

I found myself wanting 2009. I guess part of me thinks that with the end of this year will come the end of my pain and family problems. I know it won't. But there is something hopeful in the idea of a new year.

I honestly realize that my life isn't nearly as bad as others. But some days knowing that doesn't ease the pain. It's still pain, it's still real, and it still hurts...a lot.

Turkey

Christmas dinner this year is going to be at my aunt's house. She informed me tonight that instead of making a turkey for dinner she is making a Turducken (a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey)!!!!!! Gross!

I've never even heard of someone actually eating a Turducken...

coffee

Forza messed up my order. This is the first day in probably well over a year I've drank hot coffee. It was weird. I actually was kind of afraid of drinking it...

email

I'm annoyed SPU won't let me check my email. Both Outlook and Webmail are not working and I can't even get on the SPU website.

All I want is to check my email...that's all...

strong and independent

For the past few days I've been thinking about what it means to be a strong, independent woman. It's something that I feel woman are told to be nowadays. I don't want to depend on other people to have to take care of me or think that I am pathetic and weak. Thus, I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out what this means for myself and my life.

So how do I be strong and independent while at same time feeling the way I do right now?

I'm not sure. I'd like to think that I am doing it, but I have a feeling that I am falling short.

Nonetheless, I'll try again tomorrow.

starting over

" I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back."

I'm just not sure.

I enjoy quotes, lyrics, sayings...anything that I can find meaning in...anything that makes me feel not so alone in what I'm feeling.

"And even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to".

A good friend sent me this quote. Perhaps when I feeling the rest of the quote I will post it.

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door..."

first reaction: annoyed

From the start of this election months ago, one thing was clear...the Democrats were going to make history - either the first African American or the first woman was going to be the nominee (what a great moment in history!) And now, with Palin apart of the election...

I loved the statement that Michelle Obama made during her speech at the DNC. She said that because of woman like Hillary Clinton 18 million cracks were now put in that glass ceiling. Gender and race is something that has been talked about from the beginning. It's something that every person has been aware of and something that McCain stated he didn't want to be a determining factor in this election. And to date, he hasn't brought up the race card.

However last night watching Hardball, Chris Matthews was talking with a woman who stated that some of the aides of the McCain camp feel they should get recognition and acknowledgement because they haven't brought up the race card!!

What?!? You're telling me that because you haven't thrown out the race card you think you deserve to hear "good job, you're such a good person"?

NO!!!!!

I'd like to know what the statements would look like if you played the "race card". Are you simply going to point out that he is black? Because if so, then that would indicate that by simply being black it means he is different than McCain who is white....simply by the color of his skin he different.

Hundreds of more thoughts went through my head.

Even while I am typing this I am still greatly annoyed. But the more I think with my head, logically, I am more saddened by their beliefs and statements than angered. It's not that I even think they are bad people. But it's beliefs like that, that will get us nowhere. They do nothing in actually solving the race problem that still plagues our country.

I'd like to say that if people would simply stop thinking and believing things like that than the race problem would go away, but as I have learned, it won't. However, that's a whole other blog.

Let me just end with this...

...Why did it take a HALF black man to run for President until we actually brought up race?

learning adult type things

I'm thinking of investing some money in the stock market. I just need to learn how to do it.

impressed

I have to admit that I am pretty impressed with myself lately. I've actually kept up on my blogging. I'm not sure why that impresses me so much. It's not as if I am a professional blogger who gets paid to share my thoughts and opinions. Nonetheless, I am impressed.

I'm sitting at Forza in Puyallup. It's kind of nice. I'm not really doing anything of importance though. My reasoning for coming with my laptop was to work on my cover letter for the job I found that I really want. However, that is not happening. I was lucky enough to get a spot in a big comfy chair by the fireplace. The only thing that might make it better is if Forza was decorated for Christmas!

Tomorrow if finally Halloween! I'm super excited.

It's nice being out in the real world with people who are busy doing things with their lives. It kind of makes me feel like I am doing something with my life. I'm starting to get bored lately. This is why I came out to Forza today. I needed to be around people for the sake of my sanity. Although, it's not bad enough to talk to myself yet like a dear friend of mine did :)

Part of me thinks that I should just start applying for positions even though they aren't what I want to do. At least it would give me something to do with all of my time. But I also have been thinking that I should volunteer at some place for now. I could just tell them that I can make a long-term commitment to them right now because I might get job. I'm not even sure where I would want to volunteer at. I should start looking. At least it would give me something to do with my time.

paint and school stuff

Tomorrow I get to paint my parents bathroom. I'm pretty excited. I think part of it seeing something accomplished. I get a lot of satisfaction when I complete a project or school assignment and the latter I can't do anymore. Also, my dad is pretty anal when it comes to paintin and thinks that I can't paint good enough. SO! Tomorrow I don't have to listen to him tell me I can't paint by the edges because I will get paint on them...when I don't get paint on them.

I cleaned out my desk tonight and am giving Ben all of my things that I don't need anymore because I am not in school. It's kind of sad. I miss school lately. I miss staying up late writing papers. I miss sitting at Starbucks during the winter time, drinking something yummy and attempting to read my school books but never really succeeding. I think what I really miss is learning.

all things fall

Right now I'm sitting at the Forza in Gig Harbor with Ben while he attempts to accomplish some much needed work.

I can't believe that October is almost over! To be honest, I'm slighly disappointed in myself yet again. Fall is my favorite time of year and every year I always promise myself that I will make the most of the season. However, I don't think that I have. But thinking of it, I'm not sure what it would look like to "make the most of the season". There are only so many things that I can do that are fallish and I feel like I have done them already. Pumpkin patch...check. Super cool corn maze...check. Carving pumpkins...check. Drinking yummy apple cider...check. Sitting in a cozy and fun coffee shop with children dressed in warm clothes and pumpkins all around...check. Any other suggestions?

Side note: I'm excited for Halloween on Friday.

I applied for a job on Wednesday. It would definitely be nice to start working again, but my heart isn't set on this job. I did find another that I would be really excited to get. I haven't applied yet, so I will do that this weekend or Monday. Hopefully, something will come of it.

Side note: I do NOT want to have a lot of children. There is a mom sitting across from me very frustrated because her child keeps pulling up her shirt. She said, "Douglas, stop showing everyone my fat!"

I voted this past week too. I can't believe election day is almost here! It's pretty exciting. Over the past few months I've become really engrossed in politics. Some pretty interesting and life altering things have happened over the past few months that will definitely make the history books. And on top of that, how could I not be interested watching whichever party is going to make history! Nonetheless, I will be glued to the tv on Nov. 4th!

I think taking a walk somewhere will be nice.

Pictures

Tonight, I came back to Puyallup. I went over with my parents to help clean out my Grandparent's house. It's strange being there. I look around, I smell and I see all the things I remember from childhood. I remember running into my Grandma's bedroom every time my cousins and I were over there together to get the toys they would buy for us to play with. I remember throwing bean bags with my Grandma at the giant tic-tac-toe game she bought us. I remember sitting at the dining room table every Christmas next to my Grandpa. I remember holding his hand while we prayed. I look outside and I see all the BBQ's we had there. I see my Grandpa sitting out there feeding the squirels. I see my Grandma gardening in their flower bed.

That house has been my life. It was where I took my first steps and where I said my first word. It's where my Parent's gave me my first bike. And now it is where my only connection to my Grandparent's is.

While I was over there I took a huge selection of pictures to look at. I sat on the couch tonight and went through every one. I think I finally understand the value of pictures. I see their vacations, their love, and their family in those pictures. It is how they are alive to me now. I look at them and I can't help but see how much they loved each other. I can't help but see the world through those pictures. Most of them were taken before I was born, and for the past month I've longed to know what they did before me.

They traveled and visited family. But in every picture I saw love. I saw my Grandparent's life. And I saw what was important to them...their family.

For some reason, at the time, they believed what they were taking was beautiful. It was a moment they felt was worth capturing to remember. I'm thankful I was able to take a glimpse into their past.

My Grandma's Jello Dessert

The night before Easter I attempted to make my Grandma's Jello Dessert. It didn't turn out horrible, but it didn't turn out great either. The whole night I was upset trying to think what I possibly could have done wrong. And in the end, I was left with no answer to my problem and a hurting heart.

My Grandma left and I still feel like there is so much unfinished business. There is so much about her life that I don't know. So many lessons to still be taught. And so many recipes to still learn. And my heart aches for all of those things I feel I have somehow missed out on.

I look at pictures of her around my age and I wonder what she was like. I wonder what she did for fun or what her dreams and goals of life were. I wonder if she accomplished any of those.

My Grandma is alive to me in those pictures now. I can't explain it but that's how she's real to me. I see her smiling and laughing in those pictures and I know that everything I feel right now I have a right to feel because she really was an amazing woman. And that amazing woman is no longer physically by my side cheering me on.

I miss her greatly. I miss her presence in my family. I mourn for what my family and I have lost.

Growing Up

My heart hurts like never before, and yet I've experienced this feeling. I know that one day my pain will pass, and I will be able to move on; I know that the days will get easier; and I know that I will never forget no matter what.

My heart longs for something that no one can give me. For peace and understanding. And the latter, I'm not sure I will ever have. I've resolved myself to knowing that there are just some things in life that are beyond explanation and beyond truth that I am able to grasp.

And as much as it hurts me to even breath sometimes, I am reminded there is something bigger. My family was able to support one another like never before and I pray that my family is on the road to reconciliation with one.

"We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly. In death we do the same.It broke our hearts to lose you. You did not go alone,for part of us went with you the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories. Your love is still our guide. And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the Chain will link again."