control

Until recently, I always thought I handled change okay. And perhaps I did until these last few years. Nonetheless, a few years ago I discovered that change and I do not mix very well. And while it isn’t the worst personality trait of myself, it certainly isn’t the best.

Anyways, I think that the reason I don’t like change is because it partly shows me how much I want to be in control of situations and circumstances. And come to think of it, a few years ago the crashing reality of how little I actually have control over things came full force into my life. Perhaps, that is when and why I changed.

I was talking with a friend last week about how I have been having very anxious and unsettling dreams. She suggested I take a non-contemporary way a dealing with my problem…I said I would clean my room. So I cleaned my room and that night I slept better than I had in a couple weeks. I woke up feeling more refreshed and better able to handle life.

I’ve started making my bed everyday again, putting my shoes in the appropriate spot and making sure all of my clothes are put away. I feel better about life. I feel better because even if there is no other place in life that I have control over, at least I can go to bed knowing I have control over my room. I realize it’s somewhat pathetic that I have to have control over inanimate objects…

So I allow myself this small bit of control in life because every day I’m realize more and more how little control I have over the millions of other things in my life. And perhaps, one day, I’ll be able to relinquish this too.

Side note: I have a slight fear of turning into Bree from Desperate Housewives…slight.